Donnington Hash House Harriers

Tokio hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels. If you are person not to do such thing is please not to read this notis.

Bucharest hotel lift: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

Leipzig hotel lift: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.

Belgrade hotel lift: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically in national order.

Paris hotel lift: Please leave your values at the front desk.

Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 daily.

Yugoslav hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Moscow hotel: You are welcome to visit the cemerery across where famous Russian composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Swiss restaurant menu: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

Hong Kong tailors shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Back Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

Hong Kong Dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest methodists

Rome laundery: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Czech tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Thai donkey ride: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Thai Temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even if a foreigner dressed as a man.

Tokio bar: Special cocktails for ladies with nuts.

Danish airline: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Moscow hotel: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

Norway Bar: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Italian doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Japanese air conditioner: Cooles and heates: if you want condition of just warm in your room, please controll yourself.

Tokio car rental: When passenger on foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour.

Majorcan shop: English well talking. Here speeching American.

New York hotel: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator. " and this is the mighty Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing".

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator. "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside him".

3. Ted Walsh - horse racing commentator "this is a really lovely horse. I once rode her mother".

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford / Cambridge boat race 1977- "ah, isn't that nice. the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the oxford crew?"

5. Us Pga Commentator "one of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot his wife takes out his balls and kisses them..... oh my god!! what have i just said?"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the middle ages on 'time team live' said "you'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "so, bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too- because they were laughing too hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the us masters. "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday".

9. Clair Frisby taking about a jumbo hot dog on 'look north' said. "there's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on sky sports: "stephen hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during bbc1's uk eclipse coverage remarked. "they seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. "That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

Panorama presenter loses his temper

Talkin' 'bout My Generation

Monica Lewinsky went to the dry cleaners and handed her suit to the attendant. "There's a stain on the lapel," she said. "Can you get it off?"
The attendant, a little hard of hearing, replied: "Come again?"
"No, no," said Monica. "It's coffee this time."

George W Bush went into Burger King and asked for two Whoppers. The guy serving said: "You're an intellectual giant and the best President we've ever had."

A guy in a bar was eyeing up a girl wearing the tightest pants he'd ever seen. Finally, curiosity got the better of him. "Tell me, how do you get into those pants?"
"Well," she replied, "you could start by buying me a drink!"

Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption in 2007. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Gained weight.
2) Talked excessively without making sense.
3) Became overly emotional.
4) Couldn't drive.
5) Failed to think rationally.
6) Argued over nothing.
7) Had to sit down while urinating.
8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary

1) You can GET chocolate.
2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19) When you have great chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbours awake.
20) With chocolate size doesn't matter. It's ALL good!